So it started out fairly innocuously. Standing at the back bar of Clyde’s in Alexandria having a beer with an old friend from Austin and a few of his business acquaintances. He is the only friend from my life in Austin who actually works in the same industry I do now. DoD contracting is an interesting world and the people that inhabit it can be even stranger. ..
After simple pleasantries were made and topics on various work subjects discussed, the conversation turned to the simple type of personal details people in the same work circles often chat about. My friend, the perpetual bachelor, a 40-something tall clean-cut type was subjugated to the typical teasing from the two female companions about his apparent inability to settle down. My friend was unfazed by the interrogatory (obviously not the first time he had encountered such ribbing), and I next found myself the subject of scrutiny.
Perhaps my transparent nature was my own undoing, perhaps in the future I will be more sensitive to the topic, and perhaps it was simply my time to once again ponder the question - why do women hate men for dating a younger woman?
I had made, I believed, a reasonably good impression on the group (or at least the two women in question) up until that point. Therefore, it was with great surprise, after casually mentioning that my fiancé was “21” (yes, I know, shame on me), that I watched their collective jaws hit the floor. Indeed I will concede, the conversation only moments earlier about one of the women’s 21 year old daughter was likely fresh on their mind, but certainly it did not warrant the reaction I received. Choice unsolicited advice, unrequested opinions, and remarks including the following ensued…
“You’re engaged to an infant!”
“She has no capacity to know what she REALLY wants.”
“Oh, you’re one of THOSE guys.”
“Robbing the cradle aren’t you?”
And my personal favorite… “We’ll just see how THAT works out for you.”
Clearly, it seems that this type of woman has no self-respect for her past self at the reciprocal age of the younger female in question. I deduce this to be the case as I invariably hear the follow-up comment “I had NO IDEA what I wanted at that age - I was CRAZY”.
Ahhhhhhhhh. Perhaps we are getting somewhere now. Perhaps this equally self-deprecating and introspective comment may shed light on the crux of the matter. It seems the central premise of the argument is that, due to youth, one cannot make correct decisions or truly know what they want – particularly women. Now, before I am verbally castrated by my readers, I must insist (and those that know me best will attest) that I do not identify with this premise. While I personally find it disdainful, and ultimately ironic that I have heard it voiced so many times BY women, I will attempt to address the thought process I believe is behind it.
Time and experience have a way of creating a unique lens through which we look upon our past. All too often, we rely on this hindsight to excuse or explain our past actions or behaviors. While the maturation process can, and certainly does, assist us in our future and ongoing decision making process, the specific amount available during youth should not preclude us from, nor serve as an excuse for not, making wise, informed, or personal decisions. I therefore take some umbrage with the concept or idea that young women cannot possibly know what they want, while admitting that most/many/all (just as men) make mistakes along the way to attaining it.
But, is this "altruistic protection" for the best interests of the younger women and "legitimate concern" for her perceived inability to make good decisions because of her youth the sole source of the irritation, consternation, and borderline jealousy with which I am so often faced? No I say! There must be other causes, I am sure. A few of my hypothesis…
- Peter Pan Syndrome - Men who are dating younger woman typically are perceived by their female age peers as falling into the following categories: perpetual bachelors, serial monogamists, and divorcees. This being the case, the following mentalities are often attributed to these men. Babies are bad. Marriage is miserable. The older women believe (likely because they held similar beliefs in their youth as the one's they now attribute) that younger women are not interested in getting married, pregnant, and popping out babies, and that this trait generally plays extremely well with all of the aforementioned types of men. The bottom line belief here is that men who date younger women have no desire to pursue marriage or children and this frankly infuriates the hell out of women in their age bracket. Why is this? In my experience, all too often, women in the same age bracket of the men in question who have not been married nor have children are looking for both!
- Biological imperative – This is a spin-off or off-shoot of the above and my personal and anecdotal experience (relationships both myself and close friends have had with women their age or older) indicates that most single woman who are age equivalent to the men in question typically have not been married or had children. This means the good ‘ol biological clock is ticking away and there seems to be an inherent and biologically ingrained reproductive mechanism triggered in women when they perceive that eligible men in their age bracket have effectively removed themselves from the “mating pool” by dating a younger woman. While I could delve into many an analogous story from my youth involving animal husbandry (for those of you readers who remember good ‘ol Boomer), I’ll spare you the imagery and instead liken this phenomena to the younger males who challenge the pack leader. I believe the female response to the younger female is a similar and possibly reciprocal reaction.
- It doesn’t work both ways – While I’ll concede there are exceptions, men seem far more willing to deal with a younger partner than woman do. Factors that may make the age difference easier for men to deal with include the stereotypical “high-five” accolades received from other men (kudos for dating a far younger woman), more patience (or indifference) for a variance in maturation level between them and their partner, and perhaps an equivalent biological imperative in men that subconsciously suggests younger women as more desirable candidates for procreation (when, if ever, that scenario should present itself). Women on the other hand, seem to have a desire for greater emotional and intellectual intimacy, stability in mutual goals and equivalent levels of maturity (while I'm sure most women will attest this NEVER exists), and someone who shares their desire to have a family in a timely fashion. Very few, if any, of these qualities are often found in most younger men. Then there is the “cradle-robbing” angle. While women may criticize men who date younger women, the majority of their repugnance and consternation is often reserved for their female peers who date younger men. This ostracizing behavior effectively serves as a deterrent to the behavior, as women dating younger men are not afforded the same support from other woman that men dating younger women receive from other men.
I will comment in closing that this phenomenon is not necessarily new. Older men routinely and typically married much younger women (particularly, while the practice was not solely reserved for such, among the aristocracy; think Sense & Sensibility, Jane Eyre, and other Jane Austen styled writings*) not more than 100 years ago; albeit it seems only recently some in society have deemed such unions unnatural. At the end of the day I can only attest to what works for me, what I have experienced, and heartily encourage input on the matter from others.
*Having read much of Jane Austen’s work, I will admit that many of her heroines are anti-heroines to some degree. They do not often conform to the desire to marry for position or wealth but rather for love and emotional\intellectual compatibility and are often older than their peers (or sisters - who seem to care little about such lofty ideals) that are being “married off”. Notwithstanding this, I would suggest there is irony in the fact that her central characters are often subtlety working to subvert the younger women/older men arrangements (as they are often represented as has having a far greater capacity for love and emotional capacity than their younger peers who often end up poorly for their irrational and passionate pursuits of youth) while they themselves are pursuing a much older man as a love interest.
**Finally, I promised my lovely fiancé that I would share with the world that it indeed took me nearly 2 weeks to write this blog. This was, of course, due to the fact that I only took moments here and there to write it and that my writing is forever subjugated to the mental desire for quality; a desire motivated largely in part by the question “what will my mother think when she reads this”.
jC
:)
Gotta love the beach.
love to read.
KAYAK TRIP OF DEATH! He decides he wants to go all the way out to the oil well. Well he wasn't in the front of the Kayak, looking at the swells the waves were producing. It's okay he got his scare, when we couldn't see the sand, and something aquatic jumped out of the water about 5 ft from us. HEHE We should have taken an after picture.
